The CrossFit Open is going on as we speak. You’re probably competing. You’re probably kicking ass, even if it’s only your own (That’s the best ass to kick!).
This may be your first Open or your fifth, but all you really care about is whether it’s your best. It probably is, because you’ve been training hard and pushing yourself to be in peak condition for the event.
You feel great competing, then you check out how the top professional CrossFitters in the world are doing and… wow.
They’re incredible, right? It almost seems like they’re not human. Like they’re… Superhuman.
So what if there were superhumans in CrossFit? What if all of your favourite superheroes competed?
That’s a good question, so we thought of ten superheroes who would dominate Crossfit competition, and their real world equivalents.
Before we begin, there are a few rules for how this list was selected:
- This is a mix of both Marvel and DC superheroes. Yes, we know the difference. Yes, we’re mixing them anyways.
- Instead of just being a list of the top 10 most powerful superheroes who would dominate CrossFit, this list also takes into account ingenuity with how and why a superhero would be great at CrossFit, whether that means a specific mindset or more unique powers. This was to keep the list from being just a repetitive stream of “This guy can lift a bazillion tons, that’s why he CrossFit good.” With that being said, there are a lot of very strong people on this list.
- If you notice a distinct lack of dastardly supervillains on the list, that’s because this list is just the good guys. Maybe a list of CrossFit conquering baddies is in the near future.
Let’s get Superman over with first, because you know he has to be on this list. Read rule #2 again, the one about this list not being ONLY really, really strong superheroes.
Well, Superman being really, really strong is basically why he is here. He’s also very, very fast. As well, Supes can shoot heat rays out of his eyes and has the power of flight, which I can’t imagine hurting his chances in CrossFit.
The Man of Steel is just too powerful to leave off this list.
Disclaimer while we’re on the subject of incredible powerful characters: this list does not contain the Hulk.
Two essential components of CrossFit are focus and time management, neither of which are the Hulk’s strong suits.
Sure, he could throw a lot of weight around, but probably in too literal a sense for anything remotely resembling a WOD.
CrossFit-World Equivalent: Mat Fraser
Be truthful, when you read the description above, you thought, “Hey, that sounds just like Mat Fraser. You know, minus the heat rays and power of flight.”
The man is the real life man of steel.
Here is a hero who checks every CrossFitter box: incredible strength and athleticism, unwavering discipline, and a positive ‘can-do’ attitude to pick up everyone else in his Box.
Cap’s Super-Soldier Serum would allow him to dominate the CrossFit open or any other meets, but his true calling would be as the greatest CrossFit coach of all time.
He can lead a team, he can pick up people when they’re down, and most importantly, he can crush a WOD to show he’s not just all talk and non do.
CrossFit-World Equivalent: Rich Froning
Captain America was one of the first superheroes to really capture America’s heart and draw attention to the Comic industry.
Likewise, Rich Froning is an American Crossfit icon. One of the most famous CrossFitters ever, Froning also has a super soldier-like physique.
The first true wildcard on the list, Ant-Man is almost perfectly built to beat down the competition in CrossFit.
Although not super strong, Ant-Man is still in peak human condition and much stronger than the average human. On top of this his ability to decrease in size while not in strength would really help.
Imagine an exercise like a snatch, where you have to drag that bar all the way up your massive body. Ant-Man could shrink to about 1 foot in height, and move that bar 6 inches for the entire lift. Easy.
If he wasn’t above a little dirty work to win a competition, Ant-Man’s power to control ants would come in handy. It wouldn’t help him directly.
It would be more of an addition by subtraction power where hordes of ants crawling all over all of the other competitors would definitely slow them down.
CrossFit-World Equivalent: Chris Spealler
With the combination of great strength and small stature, Chris Spealler’s 5’4 frame allows him to really rep out exercises at a high speed.
Although he is probably nearing the end of his CrossFit career at the age of 40, Spealler was ranked 26th in the Men’s age 35-39 Open in 2017.
The Queen of the Amazons and Daughter of Zeus would be no slouch in CrossFit.
Apart from the superstrength and speed, what really sets her apart is her culture. Wonder Woman grew up in Amazonia.
Every single day, she would train for hours and hours in repetitive drills that trained her strength, form, and speed with her fellow Amazonians.
Imagine if she put that type of dedication into CrossFit. Every movement would be perfect.
Entire WODs would be entirely built into her muscle memory. Her warrior mindset would mean nothing less than her best every single time she stepped into a CrossFit competition.
CrossFit-World Equivalent: Tia-Clair Toomey
The woman to beat. The woman who is the measuring stick of every other competitor in the 2019 CrossFit Open.
Who else could be Wonder Woman, arguably the most physically dominant female superhero in the history of comics.
Tia-Clair Toomey won the CrossFit Games the last two years, and competitors are sure to have her in their crosshairs in 2019.
Here is a brief synopsis of Green Lanterns powers for those of you who have never heard of him before or have blocked him out of your memory because of that awful 2011 Ryan Reynolds movie:
He has a ring that is powered by willpower. The rings only choose those with the strongest willpower to wield them. The rings can then create and do whatever the wielder desires.
Sound pretty powerful?
It should. That means that the Green Lantern has some of the most willpower on Earth, and therefore won’t let himself be beaten if he’s serious about CrossFit.
It also means he can do every lift and exercise while standing still, his ring doing all of the work.
He wouldn’t even need to break a sweat.
CrossFit-World Equivalent: CrossFit-Bot 9000
CrossFit technicians are in the process of making the greatest achievement in CrossFit-robotics history.
CrossFit-Bot 9000 will be able to perform every movement in record time and with perfect form, annihilating puny human records in the process.
It may also take soon rule humanity in a SkyNet-like conquest. Side-effects are bound to happen.
What makes Batman such a great superhero is one thing: Obsession.
He has no powers. He has no Green Lantern level weapons. He’s rich, and he is completely, utterly obsessed with eradicating evil in Gotham. The fact that he does such a bad job at this is beside the point.
Imagine if you channeled Batman’s obsession into CrossFit. He’s training or competing for 100 hours a week, and nobody would outwork him, ever.
He is also a high-level genius, so putting all of that brain power towards proper training, nutrition, and recovery means he would constantly be in peak physical condition.
Where Captain America would be the best CrossFit coach ever, Batman would be the worst.
He is a known loner, preferring to keep to himself or work with only 1 protege as much as humanly possible.
CrossFit-World Equivalent: Noah Ohlsen
Batman’s obsession is what makes him great. In the CrossFit Games, obsession is the standard. However, some athletes still find a way to go above and beyond.
Noah Ohlsen is one of those athletes. He boasts training 6 hours a day, 5 days a week for the past 10 years. His 2nd place ranking shows that obsession pays off.
Another “so powerful, we can’t leave them off this list” candidate.
Captain Marvel is Kree, not Human, so she, along with Superman,has got to wait for the Inaugural Interplanetary CrossFit Games to compete.
But once they’re open, look out.
Captain Marvel is nearly a match for Superman in both the strength and speed departments, and she comes from a disciplinary military background, which means she isn’t going to screw around.
So hold your breath, CrossFit fans, for the inaugural Interplanetary CrossFit games, coming in 2064. You heard it here first.
CrossFit-World Equivalent: Sara Sigmundsdottir
Both hail from far off lands. Both entered their respective battles relatively late and absolutely clean up the competition.
Sigmundsdottir has only been in 2 CrossFit Games so far, and she has placed on the podium in both of them.
Like Captain Marvel, although not too well known she is in contention for strongest in the universe.
A lot of the time, Spider-Man doesn’t get the credit he deserves as a powerful superhero. He’s always the fun, goofy, childish superhero in the team of grizzled veterans.
But Spider-Man is a beast.
Apart from all of the web-swinging, flips, and wall-crawling, Spider-Man was once a top 5 Marvel superhero in terms of physical strength. He’s always been one of the most powerful.
So this choice is a mix of cold hard facts and carefree fun, much like Spider-Man himself is.
He would be a fan favorite in every CrossFit event, bringing in raucous crowds. He would also dominate every CrossFit event, due to his agility, strength, and speed.
His spider-sense, which allows him to sense danger, would allow Spidey to sense an impending CrossFit related injury, and he could therefore plan and train accordingly.
But let’s be serious, we can tell when an injury is coming and we go just as hard anyways. Why would Spider-Man be any different.
Crossfit-World Equivalent: Saxon Panchik
Ranked 11th going into the CrossFit Open, Saxon Panchik is 5 years younger than most competitors. At 23, he is a veritable baby in the CrossFit world.
Not yet into his full man strength, Panchik uses his speed and agility to make up for it, just like Spidey.
Imagine you’re at a CrossFit meet.
You’ve busted your butt both physically and mentally to get to where you’re at, and now is your time to shine. You work harder than ever before, and you’re sure that you have the competition in the bag.
Then you look over, and a girl is calmly sitting in a chair in front of her station. You’ve never seen her before, and she has one finger pressed to her temple.
Her weights are seemingly doing the exercises by themselves, faster than humanly possible. Turns out she is the world’s most powerful Telekinetic superhuman, and she’s not even breaking a sweat.
Can you imagine how annoying that would be, to not only get beat, but to get beat by someone who didn’t even train and isn’t even moving?
That’s enough to make most diehard CrossFitters quit.
CrossFit-World Equivalent: Nobody
Of course there’s nobody who can be a real-world Jean Grey.
Until the government superhuman labs get off their lazy asses and create people with telekinetic abilities, nobody is going to compete in CrossFit without breaking a sweat.
Sadly, this comparison will have to stay empty until that day.
Wolverine is probably the only entry on this list who could actually enter a regular CrossFit competition and not be disqualified for superhuman abilities.
He does have above-normal strength, speed, and agility, but nothing that would draw too much attention.
As long ass he keeps the claws sheathed, he could almost pass as an incredibly buff human.
What really sets Wolverine apart is his healing ability. Wolverine can heal from near-death in a matter of minutes.
His body is constantly repairing itself back to peak physical form. He could do 3 WODs a day for a month and finish just as fresh as when he started.
Deadpool, a similarly powered hero with an even greater healing factor, would not do great in CrossFit.
Where Wolverine is focused and the ultimate predator, willing to do whatever it takes to win a meet, Deadpool is a lazy goofball.
He would care about CrossFit for one minute, lose focus, and go eat some chimichangas.
CrossFit-World Equivalent: Patrick Vellner
Wolverine is Canadian, and Vellner is Canadian. Wolverine is a beast, and Vellner is a beast. Simple as that.
There it is. 10 superheroes who would dominate the CrossFit Open.
But luckily for all of you, there are no superheroes. Only regular old humans, just like you.
So here’s some motivation as the CrossFit Open continues… be Batman.
Batman doesn’t have any superpowers, so there is no excuse for you not to try and be a little more like him every day in the Open.
Just stay focused and work hard.
Also, let us know what you think. What did we get right? What superhero would have worked better for which athlete?
Leave your comments below…