You get home late. It was a tough day at work, and you frantically check through your cupboards for food. Damn.
You forgot to go shopping yesterday, and your food stocks are showing it.
They are as bare as bare can be. ‘Ugh, why do I always need to eat food’, you think to yourself.
Unless you want to eat lima beans mixed with spam, you’re all out of options.
Checking your watch, your heart starts to palpitate.
CrossFit starts in 20 minutes. You can’t be late again.
Everyone always bugs you when you show up late, saying you missed the warm up on purpose.
Which, to be fair, sometimes you do. You’re only human.
But today is not one of those days.
You’re going to be there on time. You feel motivated and ready to work your ass off.
But your stomach calls for food with a loud rumble.
‘Alright’, You mutter, ‘I’ll just grab some food on the way’.
Your stomach roars in anticipation. Grabbing your keys, you grab your CrossFit bag and jog out the door.
As you drive towards the CrossFit gym, your mind races.
What restaurants are quick and en route? There are a few slower restaurants, but you only have 15 minutes.
Time is not on your side.
You settle on “Billy Bob’s Burrito Bar”, a Subway-style make your own burrito pitstop about 5 minutes down the road.
Just a small little burrito won’t hurt, right?
Uh-oh. Turns out that Billy Bob’s has a special going on.
Their ‘Mega-Deluxe Brontosaurus Burrito’ is on sale. 75% off.
You would basically be saving money by buying it. Your mouth salivates just thinking about it.
Never one to pass up a sale, you get it. It is equal parts delicious and disgusting, just the way a burrito should be.
The car pulls into a parking stall with a screech.
You hop out, bits of burrito still covering your face.
You grab your bag and head inside. 5 minutes to spare.
It hits you in the changeroom.
The gurgling, the latent nausea, the overwhelming desire to never eat another burrito in your life.
All signs point to the burrito the size of a small dog that you just wolfed down in record time.
You’re not 100% sure, but you think there could be a correlation between that and your upset stomach.
You hurriedly change and rush into the gym.
Your nausea grows. You look over at the whiteboard.
Too late to turn back now.
It’s all of the worst possible exercises to do directly after eating a burrito, and if you back out, more friendly ribbing is sure to ensue.
What are all of the CrossFit Movements you should never do after eating a burrito, you may ask?
Let us here at WOD Recovery Rx tell you:
Directly after eating a burrito, burping is exactly what you’re trying NOT to do.
So just by looking at the name, these seem counter-productive to say the least.
Even with the name aside, the movements that make up a burpee are less than ideal while dealing with a post-burrito stomach.
Trying to do them as quickly as possible to get a good score on your WOD is even less so.
A burpee is when you jump in the air with your arms above your head, then immediately try to touch your thighs and chest to the floor.
Then you do this another 30 or so times. Very fast.
If you’re imagining this correctly, then you can see exactly why this would not be ideal in your nauseated state.
You basically throw your chest and stomach into the ground over and over.
It is also a very hard exercise in general, so even without a burrito in your stomach you may find yourself feeling a little pukey.
I’m no historian, but I am fairly confident that rowers in ancient Roman and Viking warships did not have access to burritos.
There are probably a few different reasons for this.
The first is that they lived in Greece and Scandinavian countries, respectively, and the world was not nearly as interconnected back then as it is now.
Those poor people had probably never even heard of delicious, scrumptious burritos.
The second is that the people rowing these ships tended to be lower down on the socioeconomic hierarchy of their time, most of the time doing their work for no pay and no time off.
They didn’t even have benefits! So these rowers were not exactly eating the tastiest foods that their culture had to offer.
So even if burritos were around, a diet of rock hard bread and potato soup were probably more up their alley.
The third reason, and I am really just spitballing here, is that the captains of these ships had a deep and complex understanding of how the parasympathetic and sympathetic nervous systems worked off of one another.
They realized that if their rowers ate a bunch of rich, calorie-dense foods before rowing, they would be less effective and get sick while rowing their boats to war.
The same concept applies to modern day rowing in your CrossFit WOD.
Rowing is intense, and if your stomach is filled with a massive burrito, your row is likely to end with a visit to the bathroom.
Clean and Jerk
As everyone knows, there is no feeling quite as good as lifting large quantities of weight from the ground to your shoulders while feeling like you should be resting in bed.
The Clean and Jerk is an olympic movement.
It requires razor sharp focus, strength, and a lot of power.
None of these are things your body will have in abundance while digesting ‘Billy Bob’s Brontosaurus Burrito’.
In fact, the only thing your body has in abundance while digesting that burrito is, well, the burrito.
The Clean and Jerk is not going to go well.
Even if we remove the fact that it is a massive burrito, eating a lot of any food before doing a strenuous workout is not ideal.
Your body is thrown into disarray.
Our nervous system in our bodies is split into two sections.
The first is the Sympathetic Nervous System, better known as the ‘fight or flight’ system.
This is what gets our adrenaline going in times of danger and stress.
In ancient times it is what allowed us to move quick, fight strong, and generally do amazing things with our bodies when under duress.
Basically, we used to use it to run, fight, or hunt other things.
All of our blood goes to our muscles, brain, and heart, leaving the bare minimum for our inner organs.
Now we mostly activate this system while competing in intense sports or while trying to work up the courage to talk to that person sitting at the bar.
The second half of the nervous system is the Parasympathetic Nervous system, also known as the ‘rest and digest’ system.
This is the exact opposite of the Sympathetic Nervous System. This half of the nervous system is for after we’ve hunted our food.
All of our blood flows to our digestive system to break down our food.
This means a lack of blood for the brain, heart, and muscles. In short, it means we are going to feel like lazy, tired slobs for a while.
So if we eat a massive meal right before working out, our body doesn’t know what to do.
Blood goes to our digestive system, leaving our muscles weak and our brain fuzzy while trying to compete at a high level.
Whoever thought up the idea of the Assault Bike probably doubled as an interrogator in the Spanish Inquisition.
As if regular biking wasn’t a hard enough workout, the Assault Bike adds a whole fun new layer.
These bikes create resistance through fans. When you pedal, you cause the fan to move, creating air resistance.
That means the harder you pedal, the more resistance you create, and the harder it becomes to pedal again.
There is no cap to the Assault Bike’s push back to your pedaling, it can keep getting harder and harder to pedal.
There is no beating this monstrosity, there is only accepting your fate and burning more calories than you thought humanly possible.
Since a huge part of CrossFit is pushing yourself, you’re going to go hard on the Assault Bike.
You’re going to feel that cardiovascular burn as you push through the pain.
Sooner than later, the nausea that comes along with pushing yourself to your limit will pop up, and that burrito you just ate is not going to help at all.
What… Handstand Pushups? You look at the white board again, making sure you’re not reading it wrong.
Your CrossFit gym has never, EVER done those before, and of course they choose the day you ate the Brontosaurus Burrito to try them out.
This CrossFit movement is less than ideal.
At this point in the WOD you’re feeling the combined effects of a massive block of food in your stomach and intense exercise, and you’re doing everything in your power to hold off on a meeting with Pukie the Clown.
Doing Handstand Pushups are not going to help with this.
In a handstand, all of the blood is going to rush to your head, making you more nauseous than ever before.
On top of that, you may not have noticed, but in everyday life the human head is usually the body part that is furthest away from the ground.
This is how we are naturally oriented, and where we feel most comfortable.
Humans are also not very good with change.
We like to keep our body in its natural state, with our feet firmly planted on the ground and our head soaring majestically above the rest of our body.
So if we flip that upside down and put our head at the bottom and our feet at the top, our equilibrium is thrown off, making us dizzy.
Again, any exercise that makes you more nauseous and dizzy while already dealing with burrito after effects is not ideal.
A Thruster is basically a front squat that then goes directly into a barbell push press.
They’re fast and explosive.
They usually come in sets of 3, with the first set containing 21 reps, the second 15, and the third 9.
If you do the math, that adds up to a lot of reps.
After eating a burrito, you don’t want to do a lot of reps.
You certainly don’t want to do a lot of reps of something that requires explosive movements.
Post-burrito, the goal is to try and hold in something that is going to be fast and explosive, not do it.
You’ve heard of Single Unders (commonly known as ‘good ol’ regular skipping’).
You’ve heard of ‘double unders’ (commonly known as ‘not good ol’ regular skipping’).
Now get ready for TRIPLE UNDERS, where you have to get the skipping rope under your feet 3 times each jump.
This exercise is the worst enemy of your shins.
It is the big brother of the dreaded Double Under.
Not only are you trying to jump as high as you can to give the rope time to get under you THREE times, but you are swinging that rope with the velocity of a supersonic jet.
If it hits your shins, pain is a guarantee.
Triple Unders require you to jump up and down as hard as you can.
Your stomach is moving just as far as you down, so this exercise is really mixing that burrito around inside of you.
Not something you want to do while trying to digest food.
You somehow made it through the WOD. You did the worst exercises possible after eating the Brontosaurus Burrito, and you made it out the other side alive.
Never have you had to concentrate harder just to keep everything in while working out. You swear never to eat another burrito as long as you live.
But that workout really burned a lot of energy, and as you drive home, you spot Billy Bob’s Burrito Bar.
The special is still on. 75% off the Brontosaurus Burrito. How could you resist?