You startle awake, a cold sweat covering you. It’s the middle of the night. You look over at your alarm clock, but it isn’t there. A dumbbell lies beside you. 50 pounds.
The more you look around, the more you realize this isn’t your bedroom. It is definitely a CrossFit gym. Your tattered shorts and Dryfit shirt hang off your body. You check your watch. 2:47 am.
How in the world did you end up at the gym? The last thing you remember is crawling into bed with a nice cup of tea, cozy in your favorite onesie and dreaming of cupcakes and sugar drops.
You look over at the clean and jerk bar. Beside it is a medicine ball, and the Assault Bike looks like it has seen some action as well. Clearly, while unconscious, you just killed a workout. What is happening to you?!
Trembling, you look at your hands. Just as you expected. Covered in chalk. Obscene amounts of chalk. You check over your body. Your muscles are pumped. That’s good. There are new bruises and cuts on your body that definitely weren’t there when you went to bed.
What is going on here?
There is only one possible explanation. You’ve been bitten by the beast. When the sun sets and the workday is over, you are cursed to transform from a mild-mannered civilian into a beastly, powerful WereCrossfitter.
People told you about how if you went to some CrossFit classes, you would feel the change come over you, gradually at first. At first, you always thought it was just a fairy tale to scare kids and make them go sit on the couch instead of doing anything active. You were wrong.
You rush over to the window and stare up at the sky. No full moon.
‘Wait’, you think, ‘that’s a Werewolf, not a WereCrossFitter. This has nothing to do with the moon.’
Have you been bitten by the CrossFit bug? Can you feel it coursing through your veins? Fear not, for there is nothing you can do now except accept your fate of becoming a CrossFitter.
Like the Werewolf, being bitten will come with changes. They both result in you getting bigger, stronger, and faster. Both Werewolf’s and WereCrossFitters kill stuff, just different stuff. The WereCrossFitter kills workouts, and the Werewolf kills, you know, EVERYTHING. That’s kind of what they are known for.
Here is a list of changes that will occur once you are bitten by the CrossFit bug. Don’t bother trying to stop them. They’re unavoidable.
Chalk where there wasn’t chalk before.
You stare down at your arms. What was happening to you? You look around your room. Chalk covers every surface imaginable. Judging by the chalk grips, looks as if you were using the lamp in the corner as a makeshift Snatch bar. The transformation into a WereCrossFitter is not always a clean one.
You never used to like chalk. It’s not like you didn’t like it, it’s just that you never thought about it. To most people, chalk is just something that exists, not something to notice or be aware of.
Not to someone bitten by the CrossFit bug. Where once you never touched chalk, now you are almost constantly covered by it. You find chalk where there was never chalk before. A newfound appreciation for the powdery white substance rivals that of businessmen in the 1980’s.
You’ll notice that quickly after you start doing CrossFit, you are drawn to the chalk that lies around your box. Soon, you’re chalking up your hands between each set with the barbell in your WOD.
A few months after that, your love will grow to the point that you’re chalking up for exercises that have no business being chalked up for, like medicine ball slams and skipping.
Not long after that, you’re going to be buying bags of chalk to do everyday things, like washing the dishes or carrying 6 bags of groceries into the house in one trip.
One of the biggest changes you’ll find a few months into your transformation is that you’ll have more muscles. Well, technically, you will have the same amount of muscles.
The human body has a consistent amount of muscles throughout the lifespan, 650 to be exact. That number cannot be increased, no matter what you do (although it can be decreased, but let’s not get into that).
So you will not actually have ‘more’ muscles, but you will have bigger, stronger muscles! If you go from doing a minimal amount of physical activity before you are bitten to doing CrossFit 3-4 times a week after, you will see a noticeable difference in your musculature.
Within weeks, you will notice your muscles hardening as you kill your workouts and go further into your transformation.
Along with the increase in muscle mass, odds are you’re also going to see a dip in your body fat. It is hard to work out at that high of a level and burn that many calories week after week and not lose some fat cells.
Well, technically you won’t actually lose fat cells. You can not lose fat cells once you have them, just like you can’t gain muscles. Fat cells can multiply, but they cannot disappear (without medical interventions such as liposuction).
When we lose body fat, our fat cells actually shrink, but the number of them stay the same. That is why it’s easier to gain fat again after massive weight loss.
In short, once you’re a WereCrossFitter, you’re gonna look better.
A craving for sweat
You feel the shakes again. Slow, almost imperceptible quivers run through your body as you sit at your desk. You push away from the desk in your rolly-chair, punching your leg to try and refocus. ‘No’, you think, ‘I can’t, not now. This report won’t finish itself.’
You try and focus, but the need only grows, and soon it is all you can think about. A burning desire to sweat. You never used to feel this need, but ever since the change, the need has grown and grown as the weeks go by. The further you progress into your new life as a WereCrossfitter, the more you want to get a good sweat going.
Surrendering yourself to the desire, you get up and get changed. The report will have to wait. The CrossFit gym beckons.
A big change you’ll notice after your first few CrossFit sessions is that you find yourself thinking, “Wait, I actually like sweating. It kind of feels really good!”.
CrossFitters love to sweat. They love the feeling of working hard and making themselves better, and sweat is the physical indicator that that is what you are doing.
As you get more and more into the CrossFit culture, you’re guaranteed to begin loving sweating with your fellow gym goers.
Sore, physically depleted
Every muscle aches. You roll over, blearily blinking the world into existence. Your body sears with pain. It must’ve been another night of workouts.
For all of the benefits of CrossFit, you’re going to be very, VERY sore. Especially when you start. The first month or so, you’re probably going to feel like one big, walking ache.
Luckily for you, there are lots of ways to alleviate this soreness. You’ll quickly learn the importance pre- and post-workout stretching and rolling, and if that still is not enough, there are lots of CrossFit supplements at your disposal to help with the pain.
WOD Recovery RX has got you covered in that area. Our Hemp-Derived CBD Oil enhances recovery and aids with inflammation. Even better, it doesn’t taste like crap! (Check them out here: https://www.wodrecoveryrx.com/shop-rx)
An aversion to Non-Crossfit related talk
When you first start out in CrossFit, you tend to dive into the deep end head first. A lot of your time, energy, and thoughts are going to go into the sport. Obviously, you’re going to want to share how awesome it is with other people.
The problem is, a lot of those people don’t care much about Crossfit. Your Grandma probably doesn’t understand any important words in the sentence “In my WOD I had to do an AMRAP of Snatches.”
So you have to temper your excitement. If you talk about it with everyone on the street, then nobody is going to want to talk to you anymore. You have to pick and choose who to talk with about your newfound love of lifting heavy weights as many times as possible.
Find a support group in your own CrossFit gym. Those people are there because they too love CrossFit, and odds are they want to talk about the intricacies of the thruster and the damnable abomination that is the Assault Bike just as much as you do.
The calling of the gym (want to go back)
Have you ever heard of Edgar Allen Poe’s story ‘The Tell Tale Heart.’ Basically, a guy kills his boss and buries him under the floorboards, and slowly loses his mind. He imagines that he hears the thump thump thump of the Boss’ heart, and eventually, it gets so loud that he loses his mind and confesses to the police.
I’m pretty sure that the heart is an analogy for the killer’s conscience. As it gnaws away at him more and more, he imagines the heartbeat growing louder.
That’s going to be you with CrossFit once you start out. Every time you’re not at the gym, you’re going to hear the clang of barbells hitting the floor, louder and louder until you can’t ignore it anymore. You have to go kick ass at another WOD.
Youtube and Social Media change
What your social media and youtube content looked like before you started CrossFit, I don’t know. Maybe you followed a bunch of basketball highlight pages or videos of people cooking tiny little meals with very small cooking supplies. Maybe your feed was filled with only pictures of Alpacas wearing cute little Victorian-era hats and eating colorful cupcakes.
You do you. I’m not here to judge. All I know for sure is that after you start CrossFit, your feed is really going to change. Every Youtube suggestion is going to be something to do with squat forms or videos of your favorite CrossFit professionals.
Social Media is going to go from only Alpacas wearing cute little Victorian-era hats and eating colorful cupcakes to half of that, and half of CrossFit tips and tricks, Rich Froning quotes, and videos of CrossFit fails.
A massive psychological change that comes over a new WereCrossFitter is that it gains confidence. The change comes with the increase in strength and physical motivation. It is well known that an increase in physical health increases mental and emotional health as well. It’s all tied together.
You never used to feel this incredible. Power courses through your veins. Your biceps feel like twin cords of steel. You feel the confidence growing inside of you, ever since you were bitten by the CrossFit bug.
So you’ve been bitten by the CrossFit bug, and even now you feel the power of the WereCrossFitter coursing through your veins. Expect all of the changes we just covered, but don’t fear them.
Unlike changing into a Werewolf, this is a good thing. You’re going to make a new group of friends at your CrossFit gym, plus you’re going to get in better shape and be more physically active. You’re going to gain confidence and have better mental health. Best of all, you’re going to find a new passion in life (these are what make life the best!).
So embrace the change. Embrace a better you. You’ve already been bitten, the changes are going to come, so you might as well go along with the flow.