We were sitting around, feet up with our protein shakes and watching some TV, when we came across the great comedian Jeff Foxworthy.
More specifically, we came across his classic Just For Laughs stand up comedy bit about knowing if you’re a redneck.
Going off the saying, “You might be be a redneck if…”, Foxworthy fired off a series of one-liners about various ways that people know they are a part of the redneck way of life.
We loved it.
But that got us thinking. How does this relate to CrossFit?
Are there ways that you might know you’re a CrossFitter…?
We did a little brainstorming, and you might be a CrossFitter if…
You check just a few (thousand) times to see if the WOD is up.
Every night before bed, you transform from an average joe into the world’s worst computer hacker.
You type away at your keyboard, searching up your CrossFit box in the hopes of tomorrow’s WOD popping up on the screen.
Nothing appears. The list is still empty.
You refresh the page. Nada.
You refresh again. Emptier than your fridge after a long weekend away.
‘Maybe’, you think to yourself, ‘If I hack into the computer servers mainframe and reverse the polarity in the thrusters, I can discombobulate my CrossFit box’s crypto code and rewire the bitcoins into releasing the WOD.’
After a few more seconds of thinking, you realize that wouldn’t work because you barely know how to open google.
You also realize that thought made no sense.
Then you go to bed anyway, because you’re doing the WOD no matter what it is.
You smile when you meet anyone named _____ (Fill in the name of CrossFit Workout).
Chelsea, Cindy, Fran, Grace, Helen. The list goes on and on and on.
Where once you were excited to go to holiday parties and work-related events, now you’re nervous to meet new people.
Most CrossFit workouts are named after people, and you can’t help but relate the two.
It’s not your fault that CrossFit workouts are so hard. It’s not someone else’s fault that they’re named after them.
You love CrossFit and everything to do with it, and yet you just can’t seem to get over the fact that every time you get introduced to someone named Murphy, you have flashbacks to muscles aching like never before.
“Gym” is just that tall skinny guy from ‘The Office’.
Whenever anyone asks you if you’ve been “seeing the gym”, you just assume they’re asking, in a very vague and weird way, if you’ve been watching ‘The Office’.
Of course you’ve been watching the Office, everyone has.
It’s awesome and hilarious, and you’ve even found yourself tearing up at a few gym-related moments.
But that’s the only gym you’ve been seeing. You don’t go to gyms.
You’re a CrossFitter, you workout in a CrossFit Box. Gyms are where you used to work out, before you were bitten by the CrossFit bug.
Now the word leaves a dirty taste in your mouth and calls back memories of molasses-like bicep curls that somehow seemed to make your biceps smaller.
All of your daydreams now involve burpees and ball slams for some reason.
For some reason, all of your dreams are now CrossFit-related.
You dream of saving a fantasy world. Goblins have swarmed and are assaulting the last castle of mankind.
You, the fearless leader and greatest warrior on the planet, are the last line of defense.
Everything is like a normal dream, except you swear that once you fought the goblins with sword and shield.
Now you swing a barbell loaded up with plates around as your weapon. You snatch goblins above your head and throw them over the ramparts.
Medicine ball slams are somehow involved, and your trusty steed is a mobile Assault Bike named Chesterfield.
You really know you’re a CrossFitter when even your dreams are taken over by the sport.
You begin questioning if you have a smokers cough.
You’ve never smoked a cigarette or vape, and yet you seem to be coughing during every WOD.
Every time you cough, some white powder sprays out like you worked in a 1950’s coal mine for 25 years of your life.
It’s the chalk. More specifically, it’s your unending love of chalk and all chalk-related products.
While chalking up your entire body before running a lap for warm-up, you’ve ingested an unholy amount of chalk dust, and that has accumulated in your lungs.
The good news is that it is completely safe (and made up).
The bad news is that every time you cough, sneeze, snort, or anything else of that manner, chalk clouds will expel from your body.
Ok maybe we’re exaggerating, but CrossFitters do love chalk, and your obsession with chalking up between sets is a sure sign you’ve caught the CrossFit bug.
Every object is a challenge.
While once objects were just, you know, objects, now they are all a challenge.
That park bench you walk past while taking your dog for an evening stroll?
If it wasn’t nailed down to the earth itself, you could probably clean it between 8 and 12 times.
Everything is liftable in one way or another, and you never realized that before CrossFit started.
Now you can’t stop noticing it. Soccer balls are the easiest thing to do ball slams with.
Your child on your shoulders is now a back squat. That bar thing you once held onto on bumpy bus rides is now the perfect kipping pull-up bar.
‘Honey, can you please pick that pillow up off the ground?’, your wife asks. Of course you can.
You bend your knees, get a wide grip on the bar, and make sure your back has a curve in the small of it.
In one swift movement, you snatch the pillow above your head.
You’re a CrossFitter now.
You begin to question whether you’re secretly a bit of a masochist.
‘Oh boy!’, you think to yourself as you roll onto your side in your bed, ‘I can’t wait to beat up my body again today!’’
Your bones creak and your joints ache as you painfully complete the arduous journey of sitting up on the side of your bed.
Once, before you started doing 8 pm CrossFit classes, that whole sitting-up thing seemed easy.
Not anymore. Now you’re a CrossFitter.
You feel stronger and more accomplished than ever before, but at the same time feel weaker and more unsure than you have in your entire life.
nd you love every second of it. Your pain is a badge of honor. For the good and the bad, you’re a CrossFitter now, and you’ll gladly show it.
Cheat day gives you life.
Cheat days should really be spelled like this: CHEAT DAYZ.
The all-caps is to really punch home to our readers just how important and grand the cheat day is, while the ‘Z’ replacing the ‘S’ gives the whole thing a little more pizazz.
No matter how you spell it, you circle these days with a red heart on your calendar.
Odds are that once you got into CrossFit you also got into healthy eating.
Lots of fruits and veggies and meats, not many fatty carbs or bottles of sugar.
On cheat day you more than make up for it.
You eat everything you’ve been craving, then eat them all again, then down a baker’s dozen of Krispy Kremes just to be sure you’ll be able to eat healthy again until the next CHEAT DAYZ.
You strategically pick your outfit for your upcoming WOD.
It doesn’t matter if your workout is 4 minutes or 4 hours; you need to look fresh while doing it.
When you started doing CrossFit, maybe you didn’t care too much about how you looked.
As long as you could move, your outfit was good.
You never cared about what outfit you wore in any other aspect of life, so why would CrossFit be any different?
But now that you’re a veteran in the CrossFit game, your third favorite part of each WOD is slowly and carefully picking out exactly what you’re going to wear to it (your first favorite part is actually doing the WOD and your second favorite part is the community at your box).
Are you going to be matchy-matchy, or is it more of an abstract, avant-garde kind of outfit today?
CrossFitters are running these questions through their minds leading up to the WOD.
You’re always a little sore.
When you’ve just killed a WOD, you know you’re going to be aching the next day. Picking up a jar of pickles feels like a heavy bicep curl.
You’re getting physically fitter, but that comes with a price: general comfort during the day.
That doesn’t mean you’ll feel like this all of the time, but there will be times where you will only have a vague memory of what a fresh body felt like.
You’ll strive to pull up that memory, but all that will come is a sense of regret and for some reason the briefest whiff of fresh strawberries.
Luckily for you, there are CBD oils and lacrosse balls to help with the recovery.
A bit part of CrossFit is making sure you heal properly in between WODs.
That’s why we got you covered. Check out our CBD products and recovery accessories at https://www.wodrecoveryrx.com/shop-rx.
You’re a CrossFitter now, and your love of the sport more than makes up for those aching muscles.
You no longer need snow angels.
Why would you need to wait for the snow to make an angel when you have a perfectly good sweaty body that you can rub all over your CrossFit box’s floor?
Those are the kind of thoughts that bounce around in your skull after completing your WOD.
You just pushed yourself to the mental and physical limit. You deserve a little treat, don’t you?
To have some fun with your compatriots after lifting what felt like a million things over the last hour.
So you and your fellow CrossFitters make a bunch of sweat angels on the gym floor, competing to see who can make the biggest, drippiest one of them all.
You’re always trying to show off your battle scars.
Your hands are constantly knitting themselves back together.
Your calves and shins look like they were attacked by a pack of rabid porcupines.
You have that one weird scar on your knee from the time you tried to slide down one of those hard metal slides meant for 3-year-olds at the park.
No matter where your scars are from (unless they’re from that slide at the park), you want to show them off to your friends and family.
You worked hard to get them (other than the slide one, in which case it was 2am and you were inebriated), and they’re a part of your story (in some cases, *cough*SLIDE AT PARK AT 2am WHILE DRUNK*cough*, embarrassing parts of your story that are better left unsaid).
Once you’re a CrossFitter, you can’t wait to tell people about your scars.
You want to tell them about the exercise you were doing when you got it and the exact moment it happened.
So get used to those scars, because you’re only going to get more of them.
You’re unofficially bilingual.
‘WOD’, ‘AMRAP’, double-under’.
The list goes on. You’ve downloaded Duolingo and taught yourself to be fluent in CrossFit.
It’s basically its own language.
To outsiders, you and your fellow CrossFitters sound like you’re speaking in code.
Why not just words that everyone understands?
But that is part of the enjoyment of CrossFit.
You dive deep into it and learn the lingo.
You hangout with fellow CrossFitters and use words and phrases (‘Ass to Grass’) that would sound dirty to people outside of your CrossFit box.
You know you’re a CrossFitter when all of this is second nature to you.
You Do CrossFit.
Really, this is the only one that matters.
You may do all of the other things above, you may do some of them, or you may do none of them.
They are all just added little things that lots of CrossFitters do.
But part of what makes CrossFit so awesome is that it brings so many different people together.
People from all walks of life come together to push themselves and get better.
If you do none of the things above, but do CrossFit, then you are a CrossFitter.
Don’t feel like an imposter. Maybe you barely even think about CrossFit except when you do it.
Maybe you’re so busy that you don’t have time to spend an hour picking out your outfit.
That doesn’t matter.
As long as you do CrossFit, you’re equally as valuable as anyone else. Keep doing you, because odds are, you’re awesome!